Gods only exist when it's convenient for me to believe in one.
I don't subscribe to a specific religion, nor do I reject the existence of a higher being. Theism and the culture surrounding it is interesting to me though, particularly the place of worship aspect. Getting back on track; I usually don't pay any mind to the possible existence of a god and my religious beliefs, that is, unless when I'm really in a whirl.
Why me?
A while ago, when I was preparing for an important upcoming competition, I was under a lot of pressure, as anyone would be. I started questioning the validity of my participation; you see, before this, an elimination round that was on a national level took place, and I was one of the very few selected to enter the last, international finale. I didn't think much of it when they announced the placing, maybe a thought like "Oh, ok, so I'm going." crossed my mind, but no more than that. I was in disbelief, is the best explanation I can come up with for my initial reaction. This disbelief only started to set in during the preparation period for the last round of the competition.
As I was preparing for the competition alongside other people, it was no surprise that I would begin to get insecure and concerned for my chances of getting placed at all. In my eyes, they were my comrade in arms, but realistically, they were also my opponents. It's not like we're competing as a team; one month away from then, we would be going up against each other, so don't get too attached now. These people had much more experience than me in the field, well, they were a couple years older, so it's only natural that they do. But when I compare my work to theirs, all I can get from it is my lack of innate talent. I began to spiral into a sort of crisis. These are the people I'm gonna be competiting against? What the fuck? I'm not gonna have any chance at this, let's just throw in the towel. Out of defeat, I decided I should look at the eliminated contestants from the previous round, just to give myself an ego boost. Unfortunately for me, I got exactly the opposite of what I wanted: these contestants were much better at my work than I am. I was baffled by this realization: these people lost to me, out of everyone to lose out to.
There was no logical explanation I could come up with for why I won, and not them. This was when I turned to god; if the submissions weren't appraised in a fair manner, then luck, or god, was surely in play. This was how I genuinely viewed my situation. I only got there because god decided I was "the one". It's not even a holy or prestigious mission I was sent on, because it was an incredibly insignificant competition that I will be taking part in. But I wasn't all appreciative of the luck I was granted: I was under a lot of pressure, to the point where it made me depressed to even think of practicing. I started cursing god for choosing me, because I clearly wasn't cut out for the task.
Reflecting back on it
Later on, I did think about my reasoning in a clearer state of mind, and it really was a bogus way to think of it. I don't think I can ever explain why I won, but it happened, no one made objections to it, so I'm better off just accepting it. I'm not ungrateful at all, but I truly believe the other contestants deserved it more than me.
Regarding "god"
I totally forgot this was supposed to be about my belief in higher beings.
"God" doesn't have a clear-cut appearance in my mind. When I think of god, I think of nothing, just a vague concept of someone, or something watching over me. That was boring, wasn't it? I'm sorry to disappoint. I don't think I will contemplate more on this subject in the near future, it's not something I'm concerned with, and I'm content with life as it is.
I have considered reading religious scriptures before though.